Instructions for fixing the "BLANK"

Before we get under way it's best if you stop what you are doing and take a nice long break. If you feel so inclined, run over to the 7-11 around the corner and grab a Super Big Gulp, especially because refills are only 69 cents, and a donut twist is just $1.09. You'll need these to stay awake while we go through this procedure. The sugar rush and the caffeine help immeasurably to get this done while absolving you of any guilt over the amount of time your about to waste. But of course, you have to waste it because you can't fix it on your on. And I hate to be a nag, but you did mess it up. And I just want to help you fix it, and now you're back with plenty of legal stimulants (don't raid your roommates enviable collection of prescription narcotics, amphetamines and hallucinogens-that's dangerous and illegal). Let's get going!

F.A.Q.'s (which LOOKS like an acronym for a group with alternative sexual preferences, but it's not because that's a "Q" at the end, not a "G." Which gets me every time, and I giggle a little to myself.)

1. Why did I buy this piece of trash in the first place?
Good question. Easy answer. Like me, you are a cog in the free-market wheel, succombing to the will of marketing underlings and their money whording overlords. And we like bright shiny things. And new technologies. So in their haste to get a new product out to you the consumer - I hate that phrase, it feels marginalizing - it usually comes with lots of bugs. To overcome these glaring deficincies, THEY make it pretty and fun and test-martketed right to you. In fact, you have to buy it our you are a fat, good-for-nothing, hairy beast that obviously doesn't have the intellegience to get a job that would allow you to buy this junk.

2. How old are you?
No real signigicance here, I just like this question. Especially because now that I am in my upper twenties I am subconciously obsessed with age. Plus, as an adult I am equally obsessed with numbers and quantifiying things. I swore to myself, and the Little Prince who inspired me, that I would never turn into one of those robotic men whose first question to children would involve some statistic that has nothing to do with how they feel or what they want most. It is clear to me however that it is the inevitable fate of all who choose to grow up by taking on responsibility in greater and greater measure to become overwrought with a predeliction for numerical analysis. One can't help but think in terms of excel spreadsheets when one has to figure out how to provide personal insurance, car insurance, rent, cell phone bill, heating bill, recycling bill (who am I kidding - if I had to pay for that it would stop tomorrow), groceries, movies, stuff, poop, etc. We quantify everything. You do. How much time have you already spent on this? What task could you have already accomplished? See!?

3. What is your greatest desire apart from what your mother wants you to do in 5 years time? And what country holds the most intrique and mystery for you?
Clearly I want to set up a foundation for the repatriotization of French speaking West African foreign nationals. Second, Kualha Lampur. Easy.

4. How can these questions help me get this done?
Not easy. Good thing you have your bev and treat. Ooh, that's fun to say, "bev and treat." I think I will sell that to 7-11. "It's great late, grab your BEV n' TREAT! 73 options to mix and match!!" And you have to use an exclamation point...or no punctuation at all, just really loud font (which I secretly hate).

Back to if this is helping you. Yes, and no. You are your own help, be the change you wish to see in the world, stop,drop and roll. When have any of these words of wisdom been of help to you? The last time I stopped, dropped and rolled was in a car over the weekend and the only advice that saved me then was the swack on my bum from my dad when I wouldn't put on my seatbelt. I had it on. Yup, seatbelt saved my life. Really. But it didn't help me solve your problem. And what is your problem exactly? We've been talking in vague terms here, using metaphor and simile (this word looks like smile, which is why I prefer simile to metaphor - that and similes are easier).

Let's get down to brass tacks here. Where are the butterflies in your stomach coming from? Why is your mind like a dark attic with a burned out light bulb? We'll fix this when you can get through these questions without deceiving yourself about your potential, or about what you will do tomorrow because you just don't have time today, but you really would if you could, really. Or how you tell people that your were the dumper when you were the one dumped - though to be fair it's not like we sit down and go, "I'm dumping you." Or in your case, "Why are you dumping me!? (Tears and aborted hugs)." Usually it's a lot more ambiguous then that and you are still "dating" the person for awhile when you've actually been dumped you just didn't know it and your hairdresser tells you that Judy was just in here the other day and said how horrible it was that "BLANK" dumped you and she hoped everything was okay. But you can't react because you're hearing this for the first time. And you talked with your mom over the phone YESTERDAY about how you thought everything was going fine, maybe plateaued but, fine. And now what will you tell her? That you totally missed all the clues? That your freaking hairdresser was the one that broke up with you? No. You'll tell her you were the dumper. It was ovder, just like that. And YOU couldn't take it anymore. But now you are a deceitful person. And guess what, you've lied to your own mother. It's okay...well it's not, but I am your friend. I support you. I support me too, because in an effort to be honest I am trouuuubled. But I believe in getting better. I'm not going to wallow in my pithy errors, I'm going to acknowledge them and move on. It is us getting through this. I'm not Tom Cruise. Here's to starting completely over with nothing to hide, no shame, and no reason to keep your buffant wig under your bed.